J Katrin

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Not physically, no--I would disappear if that happened. But I've recently dropped a lot of mental baggage by the wayside.

Most of it's about other people, and nothing that needs to be detailed here because frankly, it's not important any more. If it was ever important at all. And now that I've let go of all those issues, I wonder why I felt I had to drag them around for so long.

Sometimes, I know, I got a small and petty satisfaction from looking back at those issues. If the best revenge is living well, then I can say I had my revenge a time or three, and yeah, that felt good. But not good enough to keep thinking about the reasons why I wanted that revenge and that satisfaction for as long as I did.

Sometimes, it was guilt that led me to carry a particular weight. Guilt, or a sense of responsibility. There were a lot of those little parcels, but most of them, upon closer examination, had expired long ago.

But by far the greatest part of the deadweight were old attitudes and ideas that once had been important parts of me, that I'd outgrown. Those, I think, were the hardest to relinquish, because once they had given me a great deal of pleasure or satisfaction. But nothing is forever, particularly not people, and not ideas. Both need to change from time to time, or they stagnate (see above reference to expiration dates.) But while it's easy to tell that my favorite pair of jeans needs to be replaced--it pinches, or bulges, or the zipper's busted--it can be harder to tell the same about an idea or an attitude. Sometimes it's irritating as soon as you touch it. Other times, you have to wear it for a while, or at least carry it in your pocket, to really be certain. And there's still always that hesitation before you drop it for good--what if I need it someday? Am I really going to be happy without it? (Yes, it really is like cleaning out your drawers.)

But I am happy--considerably happier, and more settled--without that extra weight. I'll probably acculmulate more along the way--because I'll keep changing, keep picking up new ideas and thoughts and modifying old ones and I'm sure that at some point I'll have a whole new pile of ideas to sort through. But for the most part, I'll stick to lifting dumbbells. At least I know I can put those down again.